Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
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[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
this is the best interaction on twitter
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.