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you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.