Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
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H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.