[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
You Might Also Like
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
How about daylight saves us for once
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.