true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
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Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Haha good job!!
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.