John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
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What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.