Sweet. Free refrigerators!
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Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
I love art.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Every photo I’m tagged in
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”