90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
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According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
mmm onion ringos
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.