“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
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“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Siri, fight Alexa.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐