CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
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Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
i spent way too long on this
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?