Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
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[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛