I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
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$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
kids play hide and seek like
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Salad is the decaf of food.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk