if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
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If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.