I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back