My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.