That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
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“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing