Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
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I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.