Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.