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BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
I have questions??
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.