[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
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As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Yup!
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.