“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
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[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy