[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
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Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.