Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
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As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
How it started How it’s going
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.