I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”