FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
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My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Not being an heiress has ruined my life