Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
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Are these grass-fed oranges?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
The little toadstool has spoken.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context