obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
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Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?