The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
a lot to unpack here
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.