I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
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I have never related to a cat more
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable