Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
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NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
He’s cranky this morning
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.