I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
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her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.