Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
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MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Wednesday
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
$4 #usedbooks
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice