“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
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What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.