Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
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This is so me 😂😂
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.