Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
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[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
if a cop pulls u over play dead
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.