Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
You Might Also Like
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
when nothing goes right… go left
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch