Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
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My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.