“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?