Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
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landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*