Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
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I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!