Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Spotted in New Orleans.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.