To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
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I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.