I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
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Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Great game to play with friends