“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…