I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
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There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.