Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
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I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.