interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other