“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
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“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Where is your GOD now????
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?