So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
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*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.