I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
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Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.